Ways To Break The Bonds Of An Abusive Relationship

Hey guys, been a while.
First of all, Happy New Month.
Secondly, I just watched a man beat up a lady he call his fiancee! I watched the lady throw the ring back at him and ran away! I was expecting someone to come out from somewhere and say "April fool" but it never happened! 
I was really impressed by her actions and decided to write something about it. So, I'm dedicating to post to her (wherever she is) and to others like her!
Image result for cartoon image of fighting couple
Feeling deeply attached to a partner that has turned on you is one of the worst relationship spots to find yourself. Been in that position can make it extremely difficult for one to arrive at decisions that will be in their best interest. The brain will be more apt to make rationalizations when we are deeply connected to someone. Remaining in an abusive relationship/marriage is not healthy! And if you come out alive, you are a survivor of violence!
Here are approaches most helpful for a survivor to implement in the aftermath of psychopathic (psychopathic because the abuser must be mentally unstable) abuse in their relationship:
1.     No contact
2.     Detachment
3.     Support
Let’s look at why these methods are helpful in teaching people how to leave an abusive relationship:
1. No contact:
Through the process of love, our brain will have many chemical reactions, which take place automatically. Therefore, when we are trying to move past this type of abusive relationship, we can reduce the chances of the brain having those reactions (of bonding) by limiting the time around the person.
Their presence can intensely activate the emotional system of the brain, and sometimes, it can activate the regions that reduce our pain. This would be a problem because reducing pain could increase the bond with the abuser, making healing more difficult. It puts the survivor back at stage one.
Given the nature of people with these disorders, they cannot help but expose their ex-mate to mixtures of kindness, betrayal, manipulation, aggression, and so on. As human beings, we are going to have chemical responses to the people in our lives. Deciding to go “no contact” becomes an obstacle to that exposure. It gives the brain chemistry a chance to settle down. Once it is settled, it will be easier to have exposure to them (if necessary) without feeling intense neurochemical, bonding related reactions.
2. Detachment:
Now, of course, full “no contact” is not possible for everyone. Sometimes,, there may be co-parenting responsibilities, business involvement and so on. However, you can engage in detachment, even if “no contact” is not an option for you.
Detachment involves a conscious decision and full belief that you will not be a part of this relationship anymore. People who engage in detachment tell themselves that they will not be pulled into, fall for, or accept any of the nonsense (manipulation) that their partner knew worked on them in the past. Detachment is using your cognitive (thinking) abilities as protection of your emotional system. Because, emotionally, a survivor recently out of an abusive relationship might feel addicted to their ex, distressed, in emotional pain, and confused by their partner’s behavior.
Practicing detachment is not easy in the early stages of ending an abusive relationship because it will require ignoring the emotional messages the brain is likely sending. For example, you may get an overwhelming feeling to check his social media; find out more about the new guy/girl he/she is dating; text her; call him because you need closure; talk about him in forums. Those messages from the brain will be strong because they are coming from the deepest part of our being. For detachment to work, two things are needed: 1) the willingness to tell yourself “no” when the desire to engage in certain behaviors is strong, and 2) narcissism spectrum education. Teach yourself to be interested in yourself and your personal affairs.
Detachment from the person with a violating, abusive personality can happen even when you are in pain and required to have sporadic contact with the abuser. You can think of it as an internal “no contact.” Always protect your emotions with this thought barrier- “I know exactly the kind of guy/girl he/she is… and he/she will not get access to your precious emotions anymore!”
3. Support:
We all probably know that we need support in times of crisis and pain. But let me tell you what the brain does with support. It responds to love, compassion, and presence of kind people with the release of oxytocin. Oxytocin helps to ease anxiety and has a calming impact on the nervous system. It causes us to feel connected. Through connection, we feel stronger. Support is essential to have as a part of your healing — it helps to break the trauma bond.
Not all support is equal; the harsh, tough love type where you feel you have to defend why you are feeling sad and fragile will cause the brain to have a stress reaction, rather than a calming response. So please be mindful of the type of people you allow around you during this period.
It would be synonymous to getting an exfoliating treatment on your face that was recently burned in a fire. The skin is far too fragile and will be damaged by the harshness. The timing would be all wrong.
Please, I beg you to flee any abusive relationship! It will do you a lot of good. Talk to a professional if you need help!


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